Real Life or Reel Life

I can still hardly believe all that has happened in the space of about a week. It has happened - but yet it seems so unreal. Like the death of a loved one when you haven't been to the funeral - it really hasn't sunk in yet. Your 1st reaction will be shock, then disbelief, then gradually you learn to come to terms with it. It'll take some time. And that is when the grief will start. Now b4 i relate the whole story lemme 1st cheer u up by saying "Nobody dies in the end" ;-) Excuse the bad writing and the long post - i plead guilty on both counts!

She had always been one of my best friends since college - somebody whom i was very protective about - there was something about her that made her seem very vulnerable - she seemed so naive, so trusting of everyone that all people who loved her conspired to never let the real world get 2 her. My cynicism and her naivete were not the only differences between us. I must have always semed to her as an anglicised guy who just couldn't wait to "Go West" and to me she'd always seemed to be the quintessential mallu - with her religiousness and her way of being easily content. A typical small town girl, i'd thought when i had 1st met her. I really don't know what she thought of me back then - probably something like "what a jerk" ;-)

One of my lasting memories of times we spent together is the weekend commute back home. After getting down at my station, I'd run hoisting her bag, to help her transfer to the ladies' compartment, while she'd struggle to catch up with me. To me that symbolised the entire relationship - i would help her and be there for her as a friend, always. But it was a platonic relationship. And the very idea of it being anything else seemed absurd - we were so different!

I used to shock her with some of my thoughts. We never saw eye to eye on anything She used to ask me "Why do you want so much money! What'll you do with all of it. Once you have a car - even an 800, isn't that enough?". At that time I was really not planning on settling for an 800. Oh no- a Gulfstream IV would be nice! Btw, on an aside, this was way b4 the Gulfstream V was released ;-) I hated her fave authors (who seemed to me to be so typical of the bleeding heart left wing types that have run down this state to such depths that its youth have to migrate just to survive), her indulgence of what i saw as meaningless pursuits. To an ardent follower of Objectivism, centering your life in college around art festivals and the horrible amateurish productions that are characteristic of such events seems such a waste of time and effort. And to actually enjoy it - absolutely no fucking way, man ! But despite all this, i knew that she was a really nice person. I thought that she just needed to mature a bit. Surprisingly, it seems that is exactly what she thought of me too! She was one of my favourite persons and i thought that it was one of those very rare relationships where there is trust and even love, but which would remain platonic.

My final week in college was one of the bleakest times in my life. I'd blown all my interview calls with the IIMs and i'd also lost the girl i'd loved. In short, life seemed depressing. And for an objectivist, i should not have indulged in what i did, but yet i did. When my best friends invited me for a drink i didn't refuse like i'd done through the last 3 years, but went ahead and got royally smashed. And on one of the last days in college, i came across her sitting all alone in the canteen, looking so forlorn. I went over and sat down. She'd seen me a bit drunk the day b4 and i knew that she was scared when she saw me like that. When i sat down i'd no idea what i was about to say. She was surprisingly cool to me. As one of Wodehouse's characters might have said - To keep the conversation going, i asked her to marry me. I don't know what i was trying to accomplish, mebbe i was so in need of some emotional comfort that i asked the one person whom i thought i could depend on - somebody whom i loved and who loved me (or so i thought). Well - to cut a long story short, the only thing i accomplished was to leave her in tears. I'm not normally that insensitive (or at least i hope i'm not!), but to this day i have no idea what caused her to breakdown like that. Of course, back then i thought it was because she'd heard that i'd asked somebody else to marry me just a day back.

Afterwards i never thought that she'd be any different towards me. But for nearly a year we never wrote to each other or conversed much. It wasn't until my third attempt at CAT and the email to all my friends about my disillusionment with the whole process that she responded again. She apparently forgave me for whatever she thought i'd done to her. As a good friend she couldn't stand seeing me shattered like that. I thought we were good friends again and was glad 4 it! And to make things even better - i did make it that year in the waitlist at K!

Summer, last year: I was home for a break and was on a visit to some relatives in her hometown. She happened to be home too and i dropped in to meet her. It wasn't until we got back home that my mom asked me to seriously think about marrying her. At first i dismissed the thought outright, but then i started thinking about it. I knew i loved her - i always had - but i had never been in love with her. We were so different and the love we had for each other had always been the love between good friends - nothing more. I didn't know if it'd work. But i decided to see what she thought about it.

She was lukewarm. I guess she had the same apprehensions that i had. We met, talked it over, but neither was convinced that it'd work and finally she decided to call it off. I had mixed emotions about it. I hadn't been sure it'd work, but yet I was saddened by it. But i wasn't really depressed, bcoz we were still good friends. I hadn't lost her. Not yet, anyway.

From summer till last tuesday: We stayed in touch and promised to update each other whenever something happened in our lives. i called her up whenever i had some good news to share or when i was in trouble. She always seemed happy to hear from me. She never told me when she had any problems, though. I thought it was bcoz she had always been a very private person. I never imagined that it was because of any other reason.

Last Tuesday: She was home for hols. She called me up and we talked for a while. I was really happy that she called up.

Last Wednesday: She said she needed to talk to me urgently. I called up and she told me that I had to decide once and for all if i really wanted to marry her. I thought it rather sudden. But she said that i had till the end of the weekend to think it over, because she couldn't hang around and wait forever while i tried to make up my mind. Her parents were insisting that she get married soon. I thought long and hard about it and talked to a lot of my friends. I was worried that both of us were too different for it to work. I wasn't sure if she'd be happy with me either - i shared almost none of her interests and i suspected that I was not exactly her idea of a life partner.

But finally I realised that i loved her too much to allow our differences to matter. I knew that she didn't crave the same lifestyle that i did and up till then i'd always told myself that whomever i fall in love with would have to share similar aspirations, even tastes. In short - what i'd been looking for all along had been somebody who resembled me - at least on the surface - a cosmopolitan sophist (i don't use the term in its usual disparaging sense) socialite who loved Dvorak and Ayn Rand and Wodehouse. She didn't exactly fit the bill, but I just couldn't bear to lose her. The minute i made up my mind, a fog seemed to lift from my mind, and i saw very clearly that i'd had my priorities all wrong till then. Looking back i wonder how i could have been so stupid not to have fallen in love with her long back!

Last Friday: I met her. And a flood of emotions came out. I realised more than ever how much i loved her. And when she said she'd be mine, i was on cloud nine. We talked about it on the phone all night on friday. The more we talked, the better the whole thing looked. Initially i'd thought that taking the decision was like stepping off a cliff in a mist without really being sure that there was solid ground just a few feet down. I grew more reassured and became happier with each passing minute. I was happier than i'd been ever before. I thought that i could learn to like L. Subramaniam instead of Yo Yo Ma ;-)

Sunday: I felt like i had just stepped off the kerb and got hit by a truck. She told me that she wasn't sure about marrying me anymore. That there was somebody else. She'd thought that it had been over till he popped back up on sunday. I was wondering how it could possibly have happened. She told me how she had been hurt by me twice before and how she had depended on him for support. He had been a friend, but then they'd fallen in love. Maybe it was also bcoz they were similar. I wondered if she was making the same mistake i'd made earlier. Now she just couldn't make up her mind. Well - i can imagine how it feels to be torn between two people. It is such an important decision - i know i'd want to be dead sure b4 i make it. I can understand why she feels that way. And i haven't exactly been behaving like Mr. Right till last Friday. Stupid me - i've had to let go of the 1 person who meant more to me than anyone else. And it is because i had hurt her too much in the past by being so insensitive. Goddammit - why was i so stupid before! I 'd had my chance and i'd blown it. If i could just somehow make up for all that i'd done earlier, i'd have done it - no matter what it took. But you can never wish away things that have happened. She told me that after that day in the canteen when i had asked her 2 marry me, she never allowed herself to be totally open with me - she felt that she'd be encouraging me - sort of like giving me hope that she'd reconsider. Dumb me - i'd thought that just bcoz i put it behind me, she had too. Little did i know that she didn't think of me the same way as b4 - that she thought i was never somebody she could rely on bcoz she was afraid i'd take that to mean that she was falling in love with me. The irony is that till last summer i never imagined that i'd fall in love with her!

I'd always believed that love happens once if you are very lucky. If it happens twice, it is a miracle. To me it has actually happened thrice! And the last time has been the hardest. Now i don't know if i can ever fall in love again. I'm tired of getting hurt. But I have to admit that it is wonderful while it lasts. Well - if there ever is a next time, I've learnt from my mistakes.

We've agreed to remain good friends. I'm pretending that the whole of last week never really happened. The only good that came out of the whole thing is that now we were drawn closer and are now better friends than ever b4.

When i look back on all that has happened, my life seems like the stuff that goes into a B-grade bollywood script - u know the ones we rubbish saying "this'll never happen in real life - not in a million years!". But it has. Now i can only resort to a cliche like "Life goes on"...but i wonder if i'll ever meet anybody half as nice ever again. Maybe she'll realise what i do - that she matters a lot to me and always has - and she'll come back. I hope she does...

ubergeek, the