"Can't you see...

...the beauty of it all!"

The light grew dimmer. Warmer. I could feel the warm glow spread around us enveloping us in its gentle glow. And it happened. It was like a fog on my mind had lifted. Blinding flashes of clear thought. Deep insights. And everything began to change. My understanding of everything changed. Forever.

It started out fairly mild. I just felt the music get better. How the whole music seemed to shift as I moved my head the slightest bit. I could feel the sweet smoke go deep into my lungs, flood it and fill my mouth and curl out. And then my skin began to tingle. I could feel every single molecule. Every heartbeat. Except that my heart seemed to beat ever so slowly. I actually counted the gaps between beats. I tried to control it. To make it beat in rhythm to the music. Ah - now that is why psy trance is so addictive. It is easy to move to its rhythm. I didn't even need to dance any more. I just sat there. My fingers drumming to the tune and it felt better than any time that I've been clubbing. Pure ecstasy. Oh - now that is why ecstasy exists. What would that be like? I swore that I'd rather not know.

It all seemed to make sense. I wondered why they weren't asking me the question. The Question.

The crowds. The festivals. The dances. The huge parties. It all seemed to make sense. The energy vibes would be bigger. Bigger and better. With just four of us it was amazing. I wondered if I could even stand it if it had been a crowd of 20,000. Surely I wanted to try. What would we achieve with such huge energy? Isn't it obvious? We'd of course attempt to answer the question. But that brought me back to the question.

Every single movie. Every climax. Every action. It all seemed to hint at that world that existed outside. Always there. But never seen by most.

They got up to leave. As we walked down I had a strange feeling of deja vu. And I knew that he'd have a blue car. The matrix suddenly made sense. Of course. That is why The Blue Pill.

I don't know. Should I have looked away? Would I have been happier?

As I walked back I realized that I could change anything. I could see it all. The different paths I had in front of me. All my life. Would I want to go back? To move closer to the golden mean? If that meant that I could escape the cycle of life? No. I loved what I had currently. Even if I knew that it was temporary. Wasn't happiness in the journey? Make the journey as much fun as possible.

I could see him gibbering to himself. Muttering. All his life. Were all mad men like him? I suddenly grew afraid. I could feel a grip tighten around my chest. I broke out in a cold sweat. The phone. I had to call her right now.

Pick up. Pick up! I've never needed your help more. Two rings. And as the third started I realized that all the movies where the phone rings was a hint of this. When you've seen the other world and you want someone to bring you back it has to be answered. Is that why the phone exists at all? Is that why it was invented? Is that why you want to keep in touch? Is that why they say that long distance relationships don't work? Is that why you want to live close to where you were born? So that you don't have to rely on a phone? Where you can root yourself to reality with a single shout. A single shout that will be answered and you will be saved? It has to be answered by one who knows. The One. Oh - is that why some men are gay? Is that also why you should never be lonely! Now it made sense. Loneliness is a pinnacle. And it leaves you stranded there with no way to climb down. A small personal hell that you create if you let yourself see.

She picked up. "Hello"
"Can't you see?"
"What?"
"Can't you see?"
"The beauty of it all"
"What are you saying? Stop this. You are scaring me"
Damn. So it isn't her. I was so sure that it'd be her. It had to be. I just had to try harder. I just had to plead with her. Make her have the strength to see it. To acknowledge it. I suddenly realized that she could bring me back. Not this way. But another way. I just had to cool off. Slow my mind down. Maybe a cold shower would help. But what if...

As she stayed on the line and I showered, I felt that I was getting better. I was almost back. I just needed more water. Oh damn. That is why water is the most important resource. And I just couldn't help but marvel again at the Beauty of It All! I could hear the echoes. And weren't the echoes beautiful! I felt myself slipping away. Slapping my face hard helped. Not much though.
I needed him to explain. To her.

I shouted out. I could hear him answer me. Now that is why diction is important. At this time you can't afford not to be understood. Now I understood parochialism. Oh - that is why grammar was important. He understood it. It was meant to be. That is why luncheon meetings were important. If we hadn't met at lunch that Sunday....

I was in the shower again and I felt it slipping away. As I toweled off I could hear him. Damn. Now why did he have to ask me that. Now we are in the goddamn loop again. I could understand the fascination with stand-up comedy now. But first we have to go through our routine.
"What is the question?"
"Do you mean The one question?"
"What is the one question?"
"Do you mean The only question?"
"Yes. What is the only question?"
"Do you mean the ultimate question"
"Yes. What is the ultimate question?"
"What is the question!"

Tiresome, isn't it? We were quite tired of it ourselves. And he was getting sleepy. We didn't have much time. I had to get back before he slept. Otherwise I was quite certain that I'd...

And the responses had to be perfect. Or my life would change. It could change drastically. If he couldn't respond I was lost. If he responded wrong and steered my thought in a different direction, I'd lose everything that I held dear now. I'd change my beliefs. I'd probably start becoming religious. Pious even. I would hate and disown everything that I held close to me now. What made my life worth living now would be what I abhorred most if things changed. It was horrifying. I wanted to preserve everything exactly the way it is! I just wanted to get back to my life and live happily ever after.

Three showers later and countless thought patterns later I stopped coming back to the question. My mind stopped racing around connecting things and seeing patterns. I relaxed and I slept. A guiltless, dreamless sleep.

ubergeek, the

P.S: T. and M. Thank you for making me want this life and not any other.