Nautch girls and brokerage houses

Nautch girls of bombay. I've never seen them. When the dance bars used to be open, I was told that there were all sorts of places. Some where truck drivers and taxi-wallahs would throw sweat stained 10 rupee notes on slightly chubby girls who look like they could be the least popular girls from a government school in Bhopal or Ludhiana. Others where the girls look like they were runners up at Miss India and where bollywood heroes come to shower crisp 1,000 rupee notes on them even when they are standing still.

But at all these places, you have to rub shoulders with people who look very different. I don't mean investment bankers. Of course, they would be seen only in the nicer kind of places (if any of them could be called nice). I mean people who look like they make a living through extortion or drug dealing or by being enforcers. And even at a place where the entry charges are steep, people who make easy money (which is as uncertain as it is easy) will splash around enough of it to get in.

I've heard of the three levels at Topaz - where the la creme de la creme of the lechers of mumbai would go. Level one - where you and I can get in if you are willing to pay 500 rupees (back in 2005) for a beer. Level two - which the discerening regulars will get to by just nodding at the tough guarding the door and glowering at any strangers in a menacing way and managing to look strangely snooty at the same time. I've only heard of the goons at Topaz but if you've ever walked into the Hugo Boss showroom on Oxford street you'll know what I mean - the same look in the eyes of the salesmen over there as they just wait for you to finger and soil their merchandise - or worse, ask them to let you try something on!

Oh - almost forgot about Level 3. Which has no door from Level 2 and has a separate elevator from an underground parking lot. A certain american president is said to have been there. So obviously you can't just be a regular and expect to be waved in.

The bar girls of b'bay are said to make no pretences. They are not interested in the men there. Unlike the bollywood actresses - who pretend all the time. Oh - not pretence about being interested in the men at Topaz. But most of them pretend that they are actually artists. Well, they mostly have to do little emoting (and you can see the struggle when there is something more involving than just acting coy). There is a lot of walking around. And a bit of shaking their legs. With the camera doing more shaking and crazy angles and rapid cut editing taking care of the rest of the action. Well, the truth is that most of the time, the decision about whom to cast is taken on the sole basis of who has dates available or who is the best clothes horse.

Indian brokerage houses and research analysts are a bit like the bollywood "actresses" - sic. They pretend to write research reports - which fund managers pretend to read. The main value is provided by first person briefing sessions where all the information that is not (and sometimes can not be) on the reports is disseminated. A lead analyst, my boss at that time, once said that "we are like the bar girls. Clients throw money at us and we dance to their tune. They want us to dance slow or fast or to a different tune - anything is fine. We loathe them, but while we are dancing we won't let it show. Afterwards, we take comfort in that we make more money than they do and feel contemptuous of them."

ubergeek, the

Disclaimer: There are several bollywood actors and actresses I respect. But unfortunately, at this time, no names come to mind other than Abhay Deol. This whole commentary is meant to be in jest. If anyone feels compelled to send me hatemail, so be it.