Funny thing abt this thing called life and relationships and communication

It is downright weird, but this whole mess that has unfolded over the past week (or over the past few months depending on when u choose 2 mark as its beginning) has brought my family closer like never b4. Like i was telling Kraz today evening, things hvn't been this gr8 at home since i was about 6 ;-)

My parents and I are now totally open and don't hesitate 2 speak out about even the tiniest thing that upsets us. Bad, or rather, little (to no) communication is what got us into this whole mess to begin with. That and a lot of hangups that prevented us from really discussing things with an open mind. Like how my mom knew about every single crush that i'd ever had but (or shld i say 'and' and not 'but'?) was scared that i'll end up making the wrong choice and wanted 2 make sure that she picks out 'somebody nice'. And my dad who always thought that i was driven by money and nothing else!

I admit that i really didn't try very hard 2 see things their way either. In fact, as a typical scewed-up teenager, other than yelling at them that they really didn't understand me or what i was all about, i did little else to clear up things. And what i did do, did precious little to clear things up. In fact, quite the opposite ;-) And the boozing and the partying didn't help things either. Nor did the huge no. of platonic relationships - i'd always had umpteen friends who were girls. And of late, there hv been more of them than ever b4. My mom didn't really know exactly what sort of relationship i had with them, but she didn't think that it was healthy - at least, not till last week.

Now to really understand the whole thing u gotta hv the adv of knowing my dad's family. They are really, extremely, conservative. The only person among all of them whom i imagined had a world view even close to mine had been my cousin in cochin. But when i broke off the engagement, even he went overboard. He just didn't seem to understand that if i had a utter and total conviction that it wouldn't work, then sacrificing me at the altar of family honor would only mean that things would go from bad to worse - in short, not only would i hv screwed up my life totally (and needlessly), i'd also hv done the same to somebody else. And what for!!! Who were we supposed to endure all that for? Or for what? And would it really be better for both of us to end it now rather than later? Of course, in his world, the 'D' word is not an option after mariage. U'd just try hard to 'make it work'. And then what if it still didn't work? Would u stay married - all bitter and unhappy? But of course!!! What else was a 'good, decent (sic) Indian family man' do? He'd hv a quiet affair on the side, dive right into work and try to see as little of his wife as possible! Thank u ever so much - but i don't fancy ending up that way. About 2-3 days after we started talking, I really saw myself ending up that way. I woke up crying - angry and bitter. Thinking about how unfair the whole thing was. I just hadn't slaved away all this while trying to make every single thing perfect just to go ahead and ruin it all with one foolish move - just because i'd allowed them to assume that i didn't need to meet her now b4 it was decided bcoz i'd met her just last year. I called up my parents and told them that i just couldn't go through with it. They reacted predictably going on about how 'it was too late' and how it was 'all fixed' and 'these sort of things r typical in an arranged marriage'. But these were not just adjustment problems. I realised that, but still lacked the courage to put my foot down and tell them that there was absolutely no way i could go through with it. And at that time i must admit that my -ve feelings hadn't really been that intense. I did hv a vague feeling that she wasn't exactly the sort of person that i had in mind. So i just did some wishful thinking and pretended that things would get better with time. That it would get better as i got to know her more. Well - in a perverse way it did. My ambivalence was replaced by something stronger. But it wasn't anything +ve. I did try paint a pretty picture of our life together - thinking that it'd make me happier. Planned everyting down to the window-drapes to buy for our flat. Went to pick out a car. Test drove the Getz and planned to try the Fusion and the Corsa as well. Guess what - it surprised the hell outta even me! But i just became more and more unhappy. I was like somebody caught in a trap - like a victim of blackmail who just keeps on paying in the vain hope that things'll get better - that the blackmailer will give up, and that things'll become all right once again. Guess mebbe i really was in a way - to emotional blackmail. My worry about hurting her, and of hurting my relatives impaired my judgment. I ought to have known that it just wouldn't work. No matter how I tried. I just couldn't be happy with a person like that. And poor thing - it is no fault of hers!!! It is just that we both r so very different. I mean - can u c me married 2 sbdy whose world view has been shaped by nthng other that bollywood and TV !!! And what'll she make of me?

The fact that we just wouldn't ever any closer was brought home by my some people whom i met over last weekend. The 1st was sbdy whom i knew online. We spent a lazy afternoon having lunch and chatting. R: I really enjoyed that afternoon! Hope u did too ;-) Would sure be fun to do it again. Mebbe in about 3 months when i'm back in b'lore - What do u say?
The 2nd was a Kenyan student of Philosophy whom i met on the train on my way back. We were sitting right next to each other and started chatting. Conversation flowed pretty easily and we discussed the differences between Occidental and Oriental philosophies, the social systems, the way people think, marriage... With my ex-fiancee talk was restricted to what each of us had for dinner and what the weather was like and about where to rent a flat!!! And it never got beyond that - not even with 2 whole months!!! Now u might be justified in asking - why didn't u call it off sooner? I allowed myself to be persuaded by wishful thinking by my parents - and even me! I thought that once i met her it'd be ok. That i'd feel a sudden surge of affection. But that didn't happen. All i could think when i met her was something terribly unkind like 'what ghastly make-up'. Now - if that isn't a sure sign that it wouldn't work, i don't know what is!!!

So it is off! And i can hardly believe the sense of relief that i have now. I'm almost delirious with joy :-) Only now do i realise how tense and troubled i'd been all this time - since my last b'lore trip in fact (which was right b4 this was fixed). Now i know i've made the right decision. And i know by now that i have to wait and make very very sure that i really want to marry somebody b4 i allow myself to get dragged into a commitment.

ubergeek, the