Laughter, tears, bliss, peace

I can vividly remember all the times I've really broken down and cried. Watching Kill Bill II and somehow finding it emotionally very intense. You might think me crazy, but the scene where Bill and Beatrix Kiddo finally meet is one of the best scenes between lovers I've ever seen. I think that and Life is Beautiful are the only two movies that have moved me to tears. Maybe it was also because I saw both these movies when I was feeling rather blue. Maybe it was just an outlet and the reason was more personal and the empathy with the characters just happened to bring it out.

Came close to crying several times over the weekend. Also laughed like I haven't in a long time. Felt more at peace than I've ever before - after growing up.

Found out that I wasn't quite the nice, sensitive guy I'd imagined myself to be. Sentimental and self-centered. That is how I am. When I should have been happy for her, I just felt my dreams crumble and though I could see the smile on her face and see her happier than she'd been all weekend, I turned taciturn and sulky. Managed to recover in a while. But still can't forget that my first emotion was not happiness for her, but just a curiously empty feeling within myself.

She said that I was trying to "bulldoze" her into a relationship. Perfectly true. Doesn't really make me very sensitive or nice. I was doing that just because I wanted us to be together - not really caring whether she does. When that is just as important.

Found that she knew more about myself than I did when she said that "You aren't in love with me. You just see me in relation to yourself. You are in love with your dreams of us doing things together - cooking together, vacationing together, dining out...". Guess what! That was really true. But then again, when you don't really know a person very well, what else do you have to go on but your dreams about the future? Ended up loving her more than ever. The more I get to know her, the more I love her. She says that the love that I feel is immature, but that I am quite sincere in what I feel. Because I don't know any better. I sure hope I'll learn.

What an emotional rollercoaster - distanced at times, closer than we've ever been before at others, coming close to tears several times, and laughing and really being happy in each other's company, feeling guilty and hating yourself, and then floating on cloud #9... We both felt better on monday morning than we did on Saturday. Glad that it ended on a high and not a low.

Hugged her fiercely as if hugging her tighter would mean that we wouldn't have to part. I was touched and almost cried when she stood on tiptoe to kiss me on my forehead.

I just hope that she loves me just a little. And hope that she'll be happy. And of course, I hope that we end up together. But she seems certain that we won't. That she doesn't feel that way about me and never will.

ubergeek, the