A part of me died...

…when my sister died. I try not to have any free time. I try not to talk to people on the phone. When I do have time, it is a dull ache that sometimes becomes a sharp stabbing pain that is almost physical in its intensity. It wasn't till I wondered whether to go for a cousin's wedding in June that I realized that I couldn't because I would have to take some time off for R's annual rites. Yes, I am agnostic but she was  less so. I wouldn't care if anybody would perform annual rites for me to make sure that I am not in purgatory forever but for my dear sister I will tolerate no risks.

Why didn't I write before about her? It is still difficult. I've been through therapy. That was cathartic. But even now I can't even write her name without choking up. Therapy helped quell my rage. My anger at my parents and at Nikhil and his parents. How could they not tell us that he has Asperger's! How could they arrange a marriage for someone incapable of emotional attachment and who couldn't engage in sex!

What did my sister get out of her marriage and why she stayed in it for three weary years that wore down her spirit to a shadow of her former self is a good question. Blame the society around her, blamer her for being concerned about the appearance of failure, blame her for her concern about whether it was right to blame Nikhil for his condition. Well, I do blame him for not telling her about his condition before they decided to get married. Or even afterwards. She found out only after he had a nervous breakdown. My sister was stupidly kind. She was too tough on herself and too kind to others around her - myself included.

It was also tough for her to see me reduced to a failure. That led her to question everything else that I stood for. I still struggle to pay my bills but I only encouraged her to pursue happiness and take chances in life. I had rolled the dice and my Plan A, Plan B and Plan C fell through. So I had to pick myself up and start all over again. At least I was young enough to do it. And yes, what I had gained in the process was the peace of mind that comes from not having regrets about not having tried.

But I'd give up everything that I have now including even my marriage and my happiness if it meant having her back. If I'd been around in B'bay, would it have taken her three years to get out of the marriage that broke her spirit? I am sure that she would have gotten out in a matter of months if not weeks. But did anyone else bother to ask her what was wrong? Why couldn't they see? Or did they not wish to see?

She had asked me about Kurt Cobain. About why he had decided to end his life when he was so young. I had no inkling that she was so world weary and cynical and told her that he must not have had anything worth living for as he had achieved everything he had wanted and probably found it hollow. Indeed, that is what I believe - that Cobain might have survived Nirvana's failure but he couldn't survive its success.

She had asked me about how I could struggle on. I said that I would give myself small treats - a glass of wine, a cigarette while sipping a cup of coffee looking onto the sea. I had many anchors in life - some big, some small. Big anchors were her and M. Small anchors were friends and interests. These anchors helped me enjoy the journey. She said that afternoon that "This was a good day wakefield. Thank you!" I shrugged it off thinking that it was just because we hadn't had much fun in a long time. I had been away too long in the US while she had withered away. My frequent phone calls during those years often ended in her hanging up on me because her daily chores would call her away. I would get annoyed and not call her for the next couple of days.

How I miss you! Our dad used to call you his "kitten" and yes, now that I have cats I can see that you used to curl around on sofas exactly like a cat would. They remind me of you and I have come to love them partly because of that. I talk to them and imagine that I am talking to you.

My therapist had suggested imagining you in a place that I know very well and where I could meet you and talk to you. I wish I had taken you to Marbella. That I had insisted that we should go! Time and money were both luxuries at that time that I could not afford. But if I had known that I wouldn't get a chance later, I would have made sure that we made that trip somehow. Anyway, I imagine you over a scrabble board in that room in Marbella, smiling at me as I step through the door. I will let you win that game so that you would feel good about having beaten me! But I would take care to not make it obvious because you were so aware of when I did let you win and resented that even more than losing to me. I love you and miss you. I wish there is an afterlife and that I will get to see you again.

Love,
Ur Bro