Mortality

I was aware of mortality at the fringes of my consciousness. But until Jim died within an year after I met him, it never affected me. My grandparents had died. They had also died young. But to a boy of under 10, they had seemed ancient. To a 32-year old, Jim at 51 still seemed young. Perhaps most disturbing was that Jim was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. Yes, so people who don't deserve to die young do die. Bad things happen to good people.

In April 2010, I had a car crash where my car was totaled. I survived that without much more than a scratch. It was a lucky break. Now I wonder why I survived if life was to get so bad so quickly. But no, I don't wish I were dead now. But I do wish that I'd died in that crash so that my sister might have felt like she needed to survive. Yes, I'd have rather I'd died for her than be alive without her.

My house was broken into and burgled weeks after my wedding. I shrugged that off. Lost two watches, my camera and god knows what else. Probably nothing. Had my pictures backed up and didn't really care that I'd lost the camera. Was just thankful that I didn't have more stuff or cash at home.

I don't believe in God. Maybe I do, which is why i spelled out god with a "G" right now. Anyway, perhaps these shocks prepared me for the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. Of yes, this was a Richter 9.0 scale shock. My sister died. She committed suicide. The morning she decided to take her life, I went out to meet a friend for brunch. I had wanted to tell her that turning 30 was not the end of the world. That she was attractive. Being divorced and 30 and in a job she didn't like much was not bad at all.

My beefy beefers meant the world to me. I had been ready for anything that the world/fate/whatever-you-choose-to-call-it dealt me. But this was/is the toughest thing that I've had to do. Just hanging on and going through life is difficult. Oh yes, I still have good moments and good days. I have a wonderful wife, great friends and two cats. But my best friend who was one of my biggest anchors in life is gone and she took a big part of me with her. She took my hope away.

She'd asked me how I could go on! She would censure me for my over-optimism and shake her head in wonder at it ;-) Well, right now Beefy, I don't feel optimistic at all. I wonder if I ever can. One thing that has happened is that I have stopped caring. If it weren't for Michelle, I wouldn't care if I stopped breathing right now. Life seems so awfully tough.

Her studiousness seemed a rebuke to my laziness. But despite that, I loved her. Oh, not all the time for sure. I didn't like her when she was such an awful tattle-tale. She cared about me so much that she'd sacrifice her principles for my betterment. I should have known better than to hate her during those moments.

I remember sitting on the floor packing my things to go to my first job after B-School. I was about to get engaged and had already told her that I was about to break it off. That I didn't care about what anyone might say if she would still stick by my side. She didn't even hesitate. You were the source of a lot of my courage, Beefy! I knew that you wouldn't judge me and that you will always love me. I just wish that you'd stayed around to talk like we did when we were packing my suitcase that afternoon.